A Key to the Past
by El Leon Y La Oveja
Summary: Remus Lupin hasn't seen the Marauders' Map for nearly twenty years. When he confiscates it from James's son, it brings back memories from his schooldays which, with Sirius Black on the run, might not be very easy for him to recall. RL/SB/JP/LE FRIENDSHIP


**REMUS POV**

The parchment in my hand instantly brought back a flood of memories. I locked the door of my office with my wand, although I was sure that no one would disturb me at such early hours of the morning. I could not be sure however, if Dumbledore wanted to check up on me, he knew that my sleeping patterns were generally quite erratic at this time of the month. He had been known to pop in for a chat at three in the morning.

I took out my wand and gently touched the tip to the parchment. As soon as I did so, the oh-so familiar handwriting began spiralling across the top of the page. The name Moony appeared, having been been written by the tip of the very same wand nearly two decades ago. I hadn't heard my old nickname for thirteen years.

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," I recited. The words flowed from my mouth as though it had been just yesterday that I was standing under James's cloak as my friends attempted to play yet another prank on the Slytherins without getting caught wandering the castle in the middle of the night.

As the names Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs appeared at the top of the map, I felt a sharp pang of sadness, mixed with a little anger and regret. The emotions had grown no less painful over time but I had attempted to experience them less frequently over the years. I was sure that the map would bring back too many memories of the past but I wasn't sure if that part of my schooldays was something that I was prepared to ignore or forget. They had been the best days of my life and I hadn't seen my closest friends for thirteen years.

Thirteen years...had it really been that long since I'd last seen Lily and James? I could recall with an astonishing and slightly agonising accuracy, the last time that I had ever seen Lily, James and baby Harry.

_"We'll see you soon Remus. I promise." Lily kissed me on the cheek and squeezed my hand affectionately as I turned towards the front door._

_"Padfoot will have to come and tell you our new address," James explained. "It's part of the charm. Only the Secret Keeper can reveal our whereabouts."_

_I looked back into James's parents' house with a sudden pang of sorrow. The cardboard boxes which littered the floor did nothing to stir memories of the old days in my mind. The walls were blank; the paintings removed and the Muggle-style height chart on the wall had been roughly covered up with a concealment charm. I knew that James's mum had loved those family markers within her home; little centimetre scratches, etched into the plaster with the end of a quill to mark her son's height every year. But now, everything was gone. It could have been any house in the country. I could have been standing in any hallway._

_I glanced at the moon out of the window in the empty room. To most people, it would have looked full but I knew that there were a few nights left until the one I dreaded. I sighed deeply and looked back inside to find James smiling sadly._

_"I hate that it's come down to this, Moony," he told me. "Going away into hiding where we can't even tell you and Wormtail without taking precautions." I nodded._

_"Maybe you shouldn't tell me," I suggested hesitantly. Both James and Lily looked shocked._

_"Remus, we couldn't just keep you away from us like that. You're not dangerous." Lily's eyes sparkled fiercely as she spoke. I shook my head. They didn't understand. At times, I believed that it was James's greatest weakness. He was far too prepared to trust his friends, to trust that we would never betray him. But what if he trusted me and Voldemort somehow found a way to get around the charm? I would never be responsible for being the monster who sent James and Lily to their deaths._

_"You don't understand," I began. "I'm a werewolf. Voldemort is looking for an excuse to try to recruit me. He wants as many of us on his side as possible. I've already heard of too many of us who have decided to support him. If I'm next to face him, I don't want to be able to give him any information about you or Harry." James shook his head._

_"You wouldn't be able to tell him where we lived. Only the Secret Keeper can do that."_

_"But I'd still know you. I'd know about your everyday lives. Information that we see as trivial could be the most important thing in his hands. I don't want to be in a position to tell him anything that he could use to hurt you. Do you see now?"_

_Lily stepped forwards with tears in her eyes._

_"It's really come down to this, Remus?" she asked me, her voice shaking. I nodded, knowing that I would find it too hard to speak without my voice breaking completely. James however, still wasn't convinced._

_"You're one of my oldest friends, Moony. I don't believe that you would betray me. I trust you."_

_"Don't." I told him. "What if Voldemort comes looking for me? What if I'm not strong enough to keep quiet? I can't let you trust me. It might not be enough." James shook his head._

_"No, Moony. You would never betray me, no matter what Voldemort did to you. You've always been stronger than you imagined. Why does it have to be any different now?"_

_"Because you and Lily are going into hiding," I replied, my voice cracking and my eyes beginning to show my desperation. "Because we're at war. Because Harry's the one in danger now, not just you two. Those are all the reasons that it's different now." I paused for a second and then continued once I had regained composure. "I'm not in my right mind all the time," I reminded them. "You can't trust someone who turns into a monster once a month. What if Voldemort caught me whilst I was transformed? What if I couldn't help what I revealed to him? It's far safer not to allow me to hear anything that could be used against you."_

_James and Lily were silent as I surveyed them. Lily looked as though she was on the verge of tears and James wasn't looking at me._

_"I'd never forgive myself if did something to hurt your family, James," I told him. "You know I wouldn't."_

_Didn't they think that I would rather protect their secrets and stay in regular contact with them? The thought of losing their friendship, even temporarily, was painful and I pushed the thought to the back of my mind. In order to save them, they should keep away from me. I had realised that when Dumbledore had told me about the other werewolves. Some of them I knew. Not particularly well but still, I had never imagined that they would be the ones who crossed over to join Voldemort. In a few short moments, I had seen what I was capable of. Even in my wolf form, Voldemort could access my memories and take what he needed. And if he provided the necessary distraction for the wolf, I wouldn't even fight against him. How could Lily and James possibly trust a creature as potentially dangerous as me?_

_"I trust you with my son's life, Remus." Lily told me sincerely. James nodded his agreement._

_"You shouldn't," I argued, my eyes prickling with tears. Why did they have to make this so difficult? I'd just meant to give them the present I'd bought for them and leave._

_"Padfoot is my best friend," James spoke firmly but there was a tenderness to his tone. "I'd be stupid not to trust him with my family's safety after everything we've been through together. I know him as well as I know myself and there's no way that he'd ever betray me." I opened my mouth to agree but James continued. "But you, you Moony, I would trust you too." I shook my head to dismiss the idea but he didn't allow me to doubt it. "Of course I would. I'm choosing to trust Padfoot because...he's Padfoot. But don't ever think that the fact I've chosen him means that I don't trust you. He's Harry's godfather. Who else better to ask than him?" James paused and finally looked me in the eyes as he shrugged. "I don't know what's going to happen to us now or how long we'll have to stay hidden away from the world but I'm not letting you leave here tonight without making sure you know that I trust you."_

_I didn't know how to reply. The tears must have escaped from my eyes somehow because the next thing I knew, Lily was hugging me tightly, her hair tangled around my neck and I was sure that she as crying almost as much as I was. Despite my usual discomfort with physical contact, an unfortunate side-effect of my condition and personality combined, I embraced Lily just as enthusiastically. More than anything, I didn't know when I'd see her again and I didn't want to leave anything unsaid or any actions undone._

_When she pulled away from me and stepped back to stand beside James, she smiled at me through the tears which were still streaming down her cheeks._

_"I didn't come here to upset you," I muttered. I hated the war and everything that it had caused. I hadn't felt so unsure or insecure since I was a first-year and my friends were close to discovering my secret. Back then, I wrapped myself up in academia, in books and schoolwork. Now, I had nothing to command my focus. I needed desperately to find something, anything, to lose myself in._

_"It's not your fault, Moony," James assured me. "It's everything we can't escape in this war." I tried my best to summon up a smile._

_"I only came over to give you a present anyway," I explained. Lily gave me a small half-smile. It didn't come close to reaching her tired green eyes but at least she wasn't crying anymore. "I didn't know when I'd be able to see you again and I just wanted you to have something to...to take with you." I had wanted to say 'something to remember me by' and then I realised that it would sound far too pessimistic. I felt as though something terrible was about to happen but there was no way that I could explain it to them. I wanted to leave them on a happy note and hopefully return the same way._

_I reached into the deepest pocket of my robes and pulled out the surprise that had miraculously managed to keep quiet throughout our conversation. I'd cast a ventilation charm so that it could breathe. Lily let out a squeal of excitement as soon as she saw what I had in my hand._

_"Thank you, Remus! It's adorable!"_

_"He's adorable," I corrected with a huge smile. "Do you like it?" Lily nodded, her green eyes shining as they often did whenever she was particularly thrilled. I handed her the kitten and it mewed quietly._

_"I know that James is more of a dog lover," I smirked. "But I remember you telling me once that you've always wanted a cat since you practically adopted a stray when you were younger." Lily smiled._

_"I used to leave a little dish of milk outside the front door. When I went out again, it was always empty." She stroked the kitten's soft fur with a small smile playing on her lips._

_"Thanks, Moony," James told me quietly. I smiled back at them._

_"You're welcome. Just keep it away from Padfoot. Most of the cats at Hogwarts didn't fare very well when they came into contact with him." James smirked, no doubt remembering the specific occasion I had in mind, when Padfoot had "accidentally" chased Snape's cat into the lake._

_"I should be going," I announced, regretfully. "It's getting late and I know you two need to be up early tomorrow for the big move." James nodded._

_"We'll see you soon, Moony. Alright?" I didn't want to nod. I wasn't sure if I could confirm that. I wouldn't be seeing them until I was certain that I wouldn't be putting their family in any danger._

_"Stay safe, Prongs." As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I felt the pain rising to choke me. James pulled me into a sudden embrace and I returned it, my sudden reluctance to leave my friends making itself clear._

_"Everything's going to be fine, Moony," James promised in my ear. I nodded. As we broke apart, I sighed._

_"I'm scared," I admitted. "I'm scared for all of us." When a small cry came from the next room, Lily left us and returned moments later with Harry in her arms._

_"Everything's going to be fine," Lily repeated her husband's words as she stepped forward to wind her free arm around his waist. Harry opened his eyes to look at me and I nodded. When I looked at their baby son, I could almost believe that everything was going to be fine. I stroked his smooth forehead and brushed the single black curl out of his eyes._

_"Goodbye Harry," I whispered. The wind whipped my hair as I Disapparated._

In that moment, I could never have imagined that it would be nearly thirteen years before I would see that little boy again. In that time, everything would change. I would never see Lily and James again.

I never used a Pensieve to contain my thoughts. I had considered removing my more painful memories and storing them elsewhere but after a while, I had decided that Lily and James were worthy of my memories. I would be repaying James very poorly if I didn't even care enough to remember our time at Hogwarts. I tried to cut Sirius Black out of my mind as much as I could, although that was nearly impossible to do. He tarnished the majority of my memories but I kept them in my own head if only to remind myself of what I had lost and what I would, one day, have to fight for if Voldemort returned.

If Voldemort returned…it was possible that I had never hated him quite as much as I should have done. I blamed Sirius Black for the deaths of James and Lily, the murder of Peter and for destroying Harry's life. I had been far too wrapped up in Black's betrayal to spare any fury for the dark wizard who actually committed the murders himself. Still, the fact remained that without Black, Voldemort would never have been able to find where James and Lily were hiding. He would never have been able to shatter all our lives in one night. Despite the pain, my mind involuntarily drifted back to that night, or rather, the morning after…

_I found myself sprawled on the floor of the cellar. Before I moved, I could feel the stiffness in my muscles, in my bones, in every inch of my body. As I sat up slowly, I noticed the deep gashes across my torso, the usual injuries I received from growing fur and then re-growing skin in one night. My nose hurt; I guessed that it was probably broken from me trying to claw my way out of the cellar and knock down the walls with my head. Thankfully, my small house had the underground space which provided a place for me to transform every month. Without that, it would have been very difficult to find anywhere secure to go once a month._

_I slowly climbed to my feet and retrieved my wand from the cavity under the floor which the wolf was unable to access. I unlocked the huge concrete door and with great difficulty, I heaved it open enough to slip through._

_It was extremely cold as I made my way round the back of the house and let myself in at the back door. On the back of the kitchen chair, there were the robes that I had left the night before and I dressed quickly. Although it was only the first day of November, it was freezing inside the house, just as cold as it was outside and even the small fire in the kitchen did little to improve the temperature._

_The following five minutes were undoubtedly the worst I had ever experienced. Having made a cup of tea, I crossed the kitchen to the tiny table where I knew that the Daily Prophet was waiting for me, having been delivered earlier that morning. I slid my feet into a pair of threadbare slippers and unfolded it._

_The headline I saw on the front page would be the primary feature of my nightmares for the rest of my life._

_**HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED DESTROYED**_

_**AFTER BRUTAL DOUBLE-MURDER OF POTTERS.**_

_Oh God...no. It couldn't be. No…_

_Lily and James…_

_The headline? I couldn't be thinking straight. It had to be someone else called Potter...someone else called Potter who Voldemort also happened to be searching for?_

_I grabbed the paper with unnecessary force and read the corresponding article. The first time, I didn't take in anything. After a few deep breaths, I closed my eyes, prayed that I was jumping to conclusions, opened them and then I read every single word of the article._

_**James Potter and wife Lily confirmed dead…**_

_**Their son Harry is believed to be on his way to relatives…**_

_**...is being labelled as the Boy Who Lived...**_

_My mind was racing and at the same time, it was trying to stop itself from absorbing anymore information. I could hardly grasp what had happened. Lily and James were dead? Voldemort had been destroyed somehow? Harry had survived? That fact was completely insignificant next to the idea that two of my closest friends were dead. I took rasping breaths as I re-read the article, trying to find something to negate everything else that I had read. What I took in the third time was worse._

_It has been announced that the Potters' Secret Keeper gave information regarding their whereabouts to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named…_

_The untouched cup of tea fell from my hand and clattered to the floor where it smashed loudly. The noise didn't even register in mind. I was frozen in fear, horror and absolute shock._

_Sirius…_

_Sirius had been their Secret Keeper. He had given Voldemort information about his best friend? I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't believe that. Lily and James's deaths were something that I could not even begin to comprehend but Sirius's betrayal of James, of Prongs and his family? Sirius would never do anything like that. James had assured me himself and I had known even before he had said anything. I had always trusted Sirius and I always would. The paper must have heard that incorrectly._

_But Lily and James? It couldn't be true. I would not believe that either, not until I heard it from a source more reliable than the Daily Prophet. I wanted a solid confirmation. Had I known Lily and James's address, I would have apparated there in a second. I scanned the article once more and found exactly what I had been looking for._

_Godric's Hollow._

_No sooner had I thought the words than I found myself standing at the end of a short lane. And at the end, I saw a house in ruins. Fear shot through my heart. My vision blurred. But I ran towards the house as fast as I could._

_And then stopped dead._

_Half-obscured by one of the bushes at the front of the house, what appeared to be an animal sitting in the grass. I rushed over, not even sure why I was in such a hurry. As soon as I saw it up close, there was no denying what had happened. It had definitely been Lily and James's house. They were dead. They had been murdered._

_Because the kitten I had given them, all those months ago was lying in front of me. It must have been struck by a falling piece of house as Voldemort's curses destroyed the building. As the sudden reality hit me, with sheer force, I felt the tears stream down my cheeks and a wave of agony rise up inside me. I had no idea what to do. What did I do with myself now? How could I ever even start to think about my life now that this had happened?_

_Every full moon since I had been bitten, I had awoken the next day to being truly thankful that yet another transformation was over. On the first day of November, 1981, however, I awoke into such a merciless, cruel and cold world that I honestly wished that the wolf would take over my mind again._

_I couldn't bear to be myself. Not anymore._

In my office, I shuddered at the memory. It had taken me months to even come to terms with what had happened and the events of the following day had been even more painful. When I first heard about Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew, I didn't believe it.

But people were dead. Thirteen of them, including Peter. Sirius had been James and Lily's Secret Keeper. Ministry officials swore that they'd seen the explosion, seen Peter die and Sirius stand in the middle of an obliterated street and laugh. No one stepped forward to defend him and he was dragged off to Azkaban without a trial. Peter was awarded the Order of Merlin.

And I was left to attempt to pick up the pieces of my shattered life.

I went through stages of depression, anger, guilt and almost every other emotion in my arsenal. I cursed Sirius Black for throwing away a decade of friendship. I cursed myself for trusting him, for missing the signs that he had turned spy for Voldemort. I felt immensely guilty for failing to save my friends from him, for turning my back on James, Lily and Peter when they needed me the most. Everything from seven years at Hogwarts had been destroyed in two days and I was more alone than I had ever been in my life. I had experienced loneliness before but now, I had enjoyed the taste of companionship, I had spent years with a solid group of friends who I believed would never hurt me. Their sudden absence from my life created a hole which would never be filled. Even now, when I was working at Hogwarts, when I had managed to create a new life from the ashes of my old one, I knew that I would never be the same person again. The Marauders were irreplaceable and as I stared down at the map in my hands, I remembered, with a rush of emotion, exactly what I had lost. Exactly what Voldemort's downfall had cost me, personally.

And even now, even when Sirius Black had escaped Azkaban to kill Harry Potter, James's son, the last thing left of my best friend, I still didn't dare to tell Dumbledore the Marauders' last secret. After all these years, nobody knew that Sirius was an Animagus. What if that was the reason that he was able to succeed? I would never be able to live with myself if I was responsible for the death of the last piece of Lily and James. They had died to protect their son and I wouldn't even reveal the secret of a traitor in order to continue protecting Harry.

I couldn't bear the thought of admitting to Dumbledore that I had allowed my friends to be led astray so dangerously. He had told me, all those years ago, to take care and not to put anyone into danger at full moon. I had disobeyed him outrightly, not only allowing my three friends to let me loose in the grounds after I had transformed but I had watched and never once objected as they became Animagi for me. I couldn't risk him being furious, losing his trust in me and removing me from the school. My new life was balancing on the edge of a blade and it could fall either way. I didn't want to be left with nothing again. I was too scared of losing everything that I had.

In a way, it was easier to blame Sirius entirely for his breakout. He must have used some dark magic, magic he learnt at Voldemort's knee. I hated the thought that he had succumbed to the dark side. I had trusted him implicitly and that had been my mistake. I would always hate him for betraying me when he had sworn that he wouldn't. Even now, nearly thirteen years later, his betrayal cut through me like a knife. Whenever I heard his name, thought of him or even saw his face on one of the wanted posters, I experienced a gut-wrenching pang of emotions. Of anger, of hurt, of sorrow, of guilt. Even after all the years, they still flooded through me as if it was only yesterday. At times, I could hardly stand to look at Harry, thanks to the constant reminders of my past, reminders which needed no inducing from him.

"Mischief managed," I muttered, folding the map as it faded into the parchment. After staring at the blank sheet for a few seconds, I placed in the top pocket of my robes.

Some things would never change. That I knew.

And some things that I had once thought would never change, had been irrevocably altered.


End file.
